Friday, August 12, 2011

Feelings

I am not sure where it is written that the mother of the family must always be in a good mood. But today I am not and there is little as guilt inducing in motherhood as being crabby. My children have done nothing wrong but they bare the brunt of my crankiness. Matt quickly escaped to the haven of his office.

I am not a yeller. Even when feeling blue my default is quiet and introspective, not loud and abusive. Matt might disagree, but not to my face, not today.

There is no one reason for my mood. I am just sick of living in the in-between. Even now that we have a house I don't feel settled. Nothing about this place feels like home except the half-eaten blueberry coffee cake in the kitchen. My children's needs don't get put on hold just because I have 10 billion other things to clean and organize, and my home remains unsettled.

I am so excited to start the adventure of school with Eliana and feel like I don't have the time to devote to the planning of it like I would like to. It isn't planning I have to do, but that I want to do because I enjoy it, yet everything else takes priority to me spending several hours pouring over books and sitting with my laptop.

And now, the irony is not lost on me that the time I could most use a good friend in my life, I am thousands of mile away from them. What I wouldn't give to watch my girls playing with there cousins in my dads back yard while the grown-up sit and drink wine and talk. Hy heart longs to meet a friend for coffee or at the park for lunch while our kids play, to have my in-laws stop by for the day just because they can or have my mom over to have a tea party with my girls. Now is when I need to be meeting friends for happy hour to talk about how hard it is to leave everything that matters to you, when I need to be able to drop my kids at a friends while I figure out where my eye doctor or grocery store is. But there is no one.

My children know me enough to read my mood. This makes Annabelle clingy, Eliana ever-present and trying to please and Addilyn chatty. And I want space that doesn't exist when your a mother of three. I want to sulk, pout, bitch and moan, but instead I make peanut butter and banana sandwiches and tuck babies is bed for naps.

4 comments:

Denise said...

Oh, my dear, dear, sweet Gretchen....I am sighing for you. I wish I could take all the sad emotions from you, I wish that I lived next door :-), but wishes are just that so instead I will do something that never fails...pray God's grace and mercy upon you, pray that you feel, actually feel, His comfort and strength, and pray that in this in-between time you find your comfy home in your Lord.
And I had to giggle as to how the girls react to this....

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Jennifer McHam said...

:( So sorry friend :( Today I overheard Tristan telling Pierce, "Mama is GRUMPY today." and Pierce emphatically agreed, "Yes. She's the GRUMPY DWARF today." That would be from Snow White, not an indication of my vertical challenge. You are REAL. Your kids seeing you be real will make them better people. That includes seeing you sad, grumpy, mad, disorganized, and joyful. I love you friend.

Sarah said...

Hi Friend. As far as I know, it isn't written anywhere. You are allowed to have feelings too.

I know there is a lot to do when you move, and it takes time to settle in and make friends. Try to break the tasks into small pieces, that are easily accomplished. At least for me, this is less intimidating than just thinking "I need to clean the whole house". And allow yourself to do the things that do excite you! Take a hour or two to plan for Eliana's school. That is important too.

Wish I could jump on a plane today and come help, but until I can, know that you have great friends that love you no matter what the distance, and we are here for you.

Love you! Sarah