Friday, January 30, 2009

Blessings and Broken hearts

I have an acquaintance who's cousins child was just diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She is 10 months old. My heart breaks for this family as they lean on God. The found all of this out just a few days ago and the baby has already had one surgery and is now starting chemo. I cried as I read there blog.

I don't know that family personally. I don't know the children of Pwoje Espwa. I could stick my head in the sand, live in my suburban bubble and pretend the hurting don't exist. Some days I want to. Loving others hurts. The world has problems I can't even begin to imagine how to fix, I could use the excuse that I am just one, broke, stay at home mother of two. I could say "I can't fix it so why dwell on it?".

I have been called to live outside myself, for Someone other than myself. If I say I want to know Him on a personal, deep level, I need to know His heart. The hurting are the heart of my Savior. I am created to love until it hurts, to give until I have nothing left, to let go of any pride I have and swallow the jagged pill that it really isn't all about me. I have been blessed beyond measure, now I live to bless others. How God?

Sunday, January 25, 2009


Current favorite words: nocturnal and octagon. Yes, she uses them correctly.

Most recent funny sayings: "Happy New Ears!" and "I have a terrible head egg"

Favorite game: Pretending to be the mommy and taking "Mama Elie" and "Papa Elie" to the doctor for eating to many cookies. We always end up getting shots.

Pastimes: Bossing around the sister, the dog and anyone in her vicinity. Pretending. Watching monkey and "Milo and Otis". Reading books. Asking lots and lots of questions. Taking Earl for a walk.

Favorite Foods: broccoli, qusadillas, pizza, frozen peas, pasta with red sauce, frosting

Hates: getting hair brushed, done, and washed. Being "stuck" in her car seat. Anyone touching her "bubas" (bunnies)

Current interest: Letters and how words work, anything to do with artistic pursuits, mud, snow, singing songs and throwing in the word "poop"

Best friend: Earl, the potato my father drew a face on 2 weeks ago. Earl is her brother. I am afraid of what is going to happen when Earl starts to rot. Thanks dad.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Happy 1st Birthday Addilyn!

Addilyn's first birthday was a lot like her birth, it didn't go exactly as I had planned. Addilyn has been fighting a fever on and off for the last few days, we chalked it up to teeth. After all, the kid only has two teeth and is bound to grow some more eventually. Friday morning Addilyn wasn't feeling great so I gave her some Tylenol and we headed to bible study. By the time we got home, she was a grump. Matt's folks had driven up from Pueblo so we could celebrate Nana and Addie's birthdays, but I ended up just putting her down for a nap.

When Addilyn awoke, she was happy again. We spent several hours enjoying the grandparents before heading out to celebrate Addie, Amanda and Matt's birthdays with my family. Addilyn was worse when we got to dads, Grumpy, lethargic, and running a fever again. By the time we sang Happy Birthday and blew out the candle, I couldn't even get Addilyn to enjoy her birthday treats.

We left dads and discussed what we should do. We decided to take her to the Urgent care clinic by our house since her Doctors office was closed and we didn't want to wait all weekend. We pulled up 5 minutes before it closed. By the time they nurse checked her, her temp was 105.3, the highest they had ever had in the clinic. They checked her out and gave us some antibiotics and instructions to go to the ER if her fever wouldn't go down. We had to give her prescription strength Tylenol and Motrin every 3 hours. We still don't know what was making her sick.

Today Addilyn is feeling better. We went to the Carousel at the mall and enjoyed some time together as a family. Here is to a better time next year.

Monday, January 19, 2009


-This weather is AWESOME! Just when you think you might have to leave your children duct taped in the closet until spring, God pulls out all the stops and gives us a 60 degree day. It's supposed to be this nice all week!

-We went on a walk around the lake. We took the single stroller for Addie and Elie's bike. This was a big thing since Elie hasn't really done much riding. We discovered it takes a fair amount of coordination to peddle AND steer. This was not one of our faster walks.

- Some things that you as an adult with life experience may consider a given, a 3 year old does not. Take, for instance, keeping your eyes open while ridding a bike. Even when the sun is in them, you must keep them open, or you will end up ridding your bike into the ditch. Repeatedly.

- Communication is key and the almost 1 year old has it mastered! She nods her head for yes and shakes it for no. She signs sleep, eat, drink, hat, please, more, all done, and hot. She says all kinds of words, the word of the day yesterday was "blueberry". This was shouted repeatedly at Matt when he told her she couldn't have any more.

-Transportation is relative. Addilyn is a master crawler. She crawls "normal"about 70% of the time now. She has got the stairs down like a champ. She will push chair and "walk behind" toys all over the house. She WILL NOT walk while holding on to your fingers. She takes about 3 steps and sits. She just isn't interested. So much for walking by a year old!

-Somewhere in the last 5 years I have ceased to be young and cool. I was suspicious that this might have happened, but I had it confirmed by going out with people much cooler than I am on Thursday night. We went line dancing at a country bar, ladies drink free. I got home pushing the 2 o'clock hour. I had a blast but it took me a day or two recovery. I think I will do it again this Thursday.

-Reading is a wonderful thing. Addilyn has discovered the joy of books, beyond eating them. She will sit with a basket of them for 20 minutes, just like her sister did at this age. Elie loves to read still and I often find her sitting on the pot reading a magazine. Her father is so proud.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Cake Decorating 101

I have always wanted to take a cake decorating class. Several years ago my parents got me the kit I would need to take a class and a gift certificate. I am just now getting around to using it. Here is my first cake. Everyone else made a rainbow cake, but I wanted to do flowers instead.

Friday, January 9, 2009


We are moving buildings again at church. I'm glad. When I started going to this body of believers, we met at a Rec center. It was nice, no overbearing feeling of "Church-e-ness" that has a tendency to make me slightly nauseous while making me put on my Happy Church Face. The meeting Real people hanging out, journeying together because they like each other. We often sat at round tables and had discussions, we drank wine, we laughed. I loved it.

Then we moved and it sucked. We sat in pews facing an alter. It was the same people but a totally different dynamic. It felt "churchy" which is not what we wanted so we quit. Some people dig church in its traditional dress, its just not our bag.

The church felt the same way, to stay true to its original intent, it is moving again. Hugh talked about what it means to be the church, how the church was called to "go". So often going is hard because it means to leave something else.

I have a friend who recently said she fears God's will because she is afraid it might not be what she has planned for her life. I totally get that and think if we were all honest, most of us feel this way. Here is what we forget: God made me. He created me to be different than any other person in the world, with different talents, likes and dislikes and with a different influence than any one else has.

God isn't a bully, he doesn't shove me into his will kicking and screaming, He just asks me to "go". I have free will, but God has a plan that would fulfill the darkest corners of my hearts desire that I didn't even know I had. I am not saying it is God's desire to make me happy, it isn't. It is God's desire to make me whole in areas I didn't know were broken. He wants to show me Himself in areas it wouldn't occur to me to look. Life in God's will isn't easy, it isn't happy, it is a joy that runs soul deep and that can't be defined. God is my loving father, I can trust Him with my heart and every thing I feel that is anything of worth, my dreams, my love, my children. God may take these from me, he may ask me to go. He wants me to leave the gutter that I believe is every thing I want, and he wants to show me the ocean of real worth, real dreams, real love, to show me things only God can.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


Have you followed the Dugger family? If you don't know what I am talking about, than you can safely assume you haven't. They are the family that just had baby number 18. Wow. They believe in the concept "Quiverful", meaning having as many children as God chooses to bless you with and not using any form of prevention. Did I say "wow"?

I am not against what that family has chosen to do. They support themselves and raise there children to be good people. The love God and fit the jumper wearing stereo type of "christian home schooler". I say more power to um!

As I was reading there site and the "Quiverfull" site, I was struck by one thing: the concept of children as a blessing. Sure, we toss that around a lot, but do we really believe it? If I believe my children are a blessing from God, do I have a right to say when I am done being blessed? I mean, the scriptures refer to trials as a blessing too and I don't want any more of those!

Do I treat my kids as blessing from the Lord? Do I treat them as another thing to care for on the "to-do" list, do I handle them as little goal blockers preventing me from getting done what I want? What about money and kids? Do I treat my children as one more thing keeping me from traveling, having the job I want or retiring when I want to? I wonder if it would effect my fulfillment if I thought of my children as Divine blessings. I may start referring to myself as "Chosen keeper of Divine blessings" instead of mother.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Choose an Identity

"Choose and Identity". This is what Blogger says when you post a comment. The sad part is, I tried and it didn't let me. I choose that today I wanted to be someone else.

My Identity today: I am a 5' 11'' brunette who weighs 140. I have a great body, perfect complexion and my hair and make-up is flawless. My wardrobe is not only all clean, but it all fits perfectly and is very fashionable. My career is "Pastry Taster". I sit in a plush office, overlooking the ocean. I am not a celiac. I have a personal assistant and house keeper. For lunch I meet with all my best friends. We take a long lunch with lots of wine at an Italian restaurant. I go back to work, get off early so I can prepare for a date with my husband. We go to the theater. We come back to our spotless loft and snuggle under down comforters all night until late the next morning.

This is the identity that I choose, yet I am still sitting her in my jamies. My hair is undone, I weigh much more than that, and lets not even talk make up and hair. Blogger lies. I want my money back.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Goodbye 2008

So usually I send out a Crocker's Top 10 list with a Christmas picture. Alas, this year I was lazy, so here is the list.

10. Addilyn Joy Crocker entered our family in January and the whole lot of us have gotten considerably less sleep, but we kept her anyway.

9. Matt traveled...a lot. He has been all over the country, gone for at least one week, usually more, a month. Sony is bound and determined to get there money's worth.

8. Gretchen went to Roanoke to surprise her friend Jenny. Had a wonderful few days, despite the fact her bag didn't ever show up.

7. Elie and Addie have become such great friends. Addie calls for Elie and they play together so nicely. I pray they remain this close for years to come.

6.We spent a ton of time with our friends. Between weekly play group get togethers, girls/guys night outs and every other weekend BBQ's we really enjoyed the fellowship.

5. Disney! Elie had her first experience and was...confused? Not really, it just will be a lot more fun when she is a little older. We sure had fun with the family in CA though!

4. We got a bike trailer and had many a family adventure. We had to wait a bit for Addie to be big enough, but then there was no stopping us!

3. Gretchen joined a gym. No one was more surprised than she was to find that exercise isn't so bad after all. Well, not all exercise, just yoga.

2. Matt ended up in jail. It's a long story that he didn't find funny for quite some time. He has since come around. It really wasn't a big deal, but it sure felt like it at the time!

1.We had a wonderful Christmas season full of family and friends. God has really blessed us this year and we are thankful in so many ways!
Here is a picture of our family at "Zoo Lights", an anual traditions for us.