Monday, May 30, 2011

June...sigh

May 31- Take both dogs and 3 children to vet to make sure every ones shots are up to date
June 1- House measured for carpet
June 2- Drive with girls and dad down to Sand Dunes to camp with friends
June 3- Camping!
June 4- Drive home from camping. Pack girls to stay at sisters and me for New Jersey
June 5- Drop girls off at Woods, drive to airport, fly to New Jersey
June 6 and 7- Find a house to live in
June 8- Matt and I fly home
June 9- Finish baking wedding cake
June 10- Drive to Colorado Springs for Rehearsal dinner. Matt is a groomsman and girls are flower girls. Oh, and I made the wedding cake
June 11- MY BIRTHDAY and my brother in laws wedding. He wins.
June 12- Drive home. Celebrate my birthday with my family
June 13- Hand Surgery 11 am. Hopefully Matt will be home for this
June 14- Matt flys back to Jersey. I do things one handed for a week.
June 15 to 17- Finish getting everything ready to move
June 18- Going away party
June 19- Sabbath? Ha! Last day to get things done. Pack for a week of homelessness.
June 20- Packer come and pack all our stuff
June 21- Movers pack our stuff into truck
June 22 to 25- Lay carpet, finish bathroom, have cleaners come
June 26- Goodbye Colorado. I will miss you

So, what does your month look like?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Facebook Words

Here are my most commonly used status up-date words from Facebook. Yup. sounds like my life.

Used 39 times: Year
Used 33 times: Girls
Used 23 times: Baby
Used 21 times: Happy
Used 21 times: Matt
Used 21 times: Home
Used 20 times: House
Used 20 times: Chocolate
Used 19 times: Children
Used 18 times: Things
Used 18 times: Mama
Used 16 times: Time
Used 16 times: Dinner
Used 15 times: Husband
Used 15 times: Need
Used 14 times: Cold

Monday, May 23, 2011

Can't resist

I was out of baked goods today. It was a little scary, but I pulled through. It was because I left the last of the blueberry oat bars I made for my dad. I just couldn't resist leaving him with a little treat, even though I know he will eat them for breakfast and it will leave me without a treat to go with my tea.

Sometimes you just can't walk away, even when you know what is good for you. The pull is just to strong, you fight and loose, and it feels good. We all have weaknesses, what we can't resist, her are a few of mine:

- Eatting a finger full of frosting while making a cake, even though I shouldn't
- Taking a looooong nap on Sunday afternoons when I have a "to-do" list a mile long
- Squishing my bare feet in mud...just a little, even though it ruins my pedicure
- Spending a little extra time snuggling a sleepy eyed baby, fresh from the bath, even though she is old enough to put herself to sleep
- The words "mommy, will you read to me?" while I am right in the middle of doing something else
- Gluten free baked goods of any kind though my jeans are already tight
- Singing to the radio when I am in the car by myself, the louder the better, knowing I am totally "one of those people"
- A great deal on shoes as my closet overflows
-Letting my girls play and giggle in their beds, long after lights out, because what is the point of having a sister if she isn't your best friend?

Not all temptations should be given in to, but sometimes a girls just can't help herself.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Alone

My husband is an extrovert. This is like saying "rain is wet" or "the Pope is Catholic". Kind of a duh statement. Most assume I am an extrovert like him. I do like people, I am not shy and make conversation easily. But I can't keep up with Matt. On the personality tests, I fall almost dead smack in the middle of most categories, including introversion/extroversion.

I just want to be left alone tonight. I have hung out with people all weekend, people I love, and I am in a lousy mood. As the mother of 3 small children and a wife to a man who loves to be with people, alone time is hard to come by.

Tonight I have big plans. I intend to get all 3 kids in bed and go and sit in the hammock in the back yard. I would go for a drive but with the price of gas that seems a little silly. I would go to Barnes and Noble but someone might talk to me. So I will sit, rock slowly, maybe enjoy an adult beverage, smoke a cigar, listen to the sounds of the neighborhood and ignore the world.

Matt gets it. He used to see my quiet moods as a judgement on his company or he would assume I was mad. Now he knows. I just need to be away. To think...or not think. To be alone with my self, even though I know I am not great company at the moment. When everything seems uncomfortable, my answers are short, my temper inflated I know I have to walk away.

I have a list of things that need to be done that is 3 miles long, but my give a damn is completely busted. Maybe after some time alone, a good nights sleep, I will find my mojo again. But not right now. My heart is heavy, my head is full and I am not even at a place where I could talk it out if I wanted to.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Rainy day

It has been raining. And raining. And raining. And if God starts hinting at boat building and random sets of animals apear at my front door, we are going to have words.

I like rainy days. They make me lazy and I like lazy days, spent in my slippers, reading books with the girls, baking things I have no business eating. Matt has a couple of days off between jobs so he is home being lazy with me.

When I was a little girl, way back in Iowa, I loved rainy days too. We had a house with a covered front patio and on rainy days i would take my sleeping bag and pillow outside to watch the rain fall. I would sit with a book (Baby Sitters Club anyone?) and read, the cool wet air and sound of rain making everything feel lazy and peaceful. I loved the smell of wet earth and when I couldn't bring myself to sit still any longer I would walk in the gutters letting all the rushing water pour over my bare feet. I would make paper boats and sail them down the stream. My sisters and I would take umbrellas and go for walks around the neighborhood.

Some day, I will take my 3 girls and play in the puddles. We will stop in the mud, admire the worms and give thanks for the rain that makes everything fresh and green. But not today. Today, my girls are napping despite the thunder, I am wearing my slippers, contemplating what I want to bake to eat with the impeding cup of tea. I am snuggling my husband, talking about our future. I will call my best friend and chat. I will maybe fold a load of laundry. I will be still and thank God for washing the earth clean and giving us a new start every day.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

House Keeping

Yes, the irony is not lost on me that I am writing a blog titled "House Keeping". I have seen my house and am very well aware that keeping it is something I am miserably bad at. My friends know this about me and seem to take it in stride. My family, only the other hand, still loves to give me crap about it.

With the move impending, I have been tackling the long forgotten places in my house. Maybe these places don't exist in other homes, but boy do they in mine! Places like the storage room and above the fridge, the back of the linen closet and under the bathroom sink. I have found some things worth keeping and filled many a trash bag. After all, why move what I don't want?

But I do. All the time. The dark, hidden, almost forgotten corners of my heart are full of trash I carry around. Every day. Some days I pretend the trash is treasure, I act if it is something worthy, I lie to myself and everyone in my life. Sometimes I am forced to follow the stench to get to the root of the smell.

Emotional house keeping is something I also apparently suck at. God has funny timing, and let me assure you "funny" has nothing to do with "hahahaha". Right now is the last time I would chose to deal with heart issues. I kinda have a lot going on with single parenting as Matt travels and a move across the country, an upcoming wedding, house hunting, home repair...

The guys who lead our church (I would call them "pastors" but the title just doesn't fit with the mental image that pops into my head) have talked about how God is in the interruptions. But, frankly, I am not in the mood to be interrupted. I have stuff to get done and yet keep finding myself having conversations I didn't plan to have about heart issues I don't want to talk about. Someone keeps shinning a flashlight in the dark corners I like to sweep the undesirable things of my life into.

And so, as I dig into the back corner of the furnace room ( you don't want to know what I found) I find myself dealing with matters of heart (not pretty here, either). God never means for us to deal with these by ourselves, which is why He is so insistent on us living in community with others, some call it "Church".

But I hate it. Because humans are involved, it gets messy. And I hate asking others to bare my burdens. I would love to say that it is because I am such a nice person that I don't want to weigh others down, but that wouldn't be the whole truth. I don't like to be naked, exposed, and and kills my "tough chic who has her sh*t together" image that I like to portray.

Some days I so desperately want to walk this path by myself, deal with my issues in a clean way (meaning no one else gets to know them) and check it off the list and move on. But by dealing with it myself, the people in my life become nothing more than an audience I am performing for, not friends, not community, not love. This isn't what I was called to be, an actor who writes the script of who she thinks others expect her to be. I keep people at arms length, letting them in only the nicely scrubbed areas of my life.

So I struggle. I get uncomfortable. I make others uncomfortable. I get hurt and take others down with me. Life becomes unscripted, interrupted, unplanned. And maybe this is when someone might get a glimpse of God in my life, because I, in all my brokenness, with dark and dirty areas in all the corners of my soul, have nothing to offer.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Heavy

Often, when I consider what to write about on my blog, I go for the light and fluffy. It is easy and an accurate representation of a lot of my life. I love my life, in general, feel light and fluffy, easy going and can see the humor. This is not one of those posts.

Everyone process information differently. Matt processes conversationally. When presented with new information or a new idea, he wants to talk it out to get it all making sense. I process internally. I think, over think on the verge of obsess, until I feel like I can accurately communicate what I have come to discover. Writing helps this process for me. I get to see my thoughts in black and white with the chance to erase, cut, paste and reorganize until I make sense of the world. This sometimes leaves me in a lurch, because honestly, not every thing I am working on should be written for the world, or anyone, to see.

I am toeing the line tonight. Not everything I am processing is up for consumption, but I need it to make sense in my head. My heart feels heavy, I have a lump in my throat, my eyes sting with unshed tears and all of this sounds so dramatic, but it isn't, not really.

I had my feelings hurt. This doesn't happen often, close to never, I have gotten very good at letting things roll of my back. This might be because I keep a healthy distance from the majority of people in my life, sharing enough that I can have real friendships but not enough to put myself at risk. But then I did. I should have known better, used better judgement. I am so irritated that I opened myself up in the first place. I was told my burdens were to heavy, to ugly, to uncomfortable to bear and that I should just move on. Ouch. I feel like such a fool, I feel so stupid, judged and found unworthy. I hate that it even matters to me, but I thought I was speaking to a friend.

Everything is messy right now, more so than usual, and it makes me feel like such a failure. It seems my girls just can't get well, I am emotional spent from all this "where we will live" nonsense, and I just can't seem to get my feet under me. I keep trying to make lists but they just leave me feeling worse, not better, and when a list doesn't work, you know it is bad.

I am trying to organize this move, Matt is going to be gone a lot and I know it is something that is going to be largely on my shoulders. I don't mind the details stuff, but the way everything is set up, I can't just make plans, I have to go through a 3ed party. It is driving me nuts.

My family is going camping tomorrow. My heart so longs to go with them but Matt just got home late last night and has to go to Jersey some time this week. But Eliana LOVES to camp, it would be so great to hang out with my sisters and nieces and nephews and the girls love to spend time with cousins and this is going to be the last time for a while that they get to do that. I am just not sure we can swing it, a four hour drive, no one to care for the cats and dogs while we are away. So much that needs to be done here at home. But my heart just aches thinking of missing this last opportunity to spend time with my best friends.

And all of this doesn't really matter. It is piddly, not life threatening. But it is soul sucking, joy destroying, burdens. I am I left here, with my lap top, trying to make sense and make the best choices for my family. I hate self pity, it is such a waste of time, but tonight is the kind of night I just want to curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep feeling unlovable, unproductive, incapable of being what I need to be. Tonight, I just want to give up.


You gotta keep your head up,

so you can let your hair down.

Only rainbows

after rain

the sun will surly

shine again

its a circle

circling

around again

around again

The Art of being ugly

Annabelle is at such a fun stage...except when she isn't. I love the wonder in which she views the world, but the short fuse is sometimes enough to make me want to sell her to the nearest passing band of Gypsies. You see, Annabelle doesn't like to be told "no". Or to wait. As soon as the words leave my lips, the melt down begins. First with the stomping feet, followed by a shrill cry with the finally happening on the floor at full volume with hands and feet thrashing. It isn't pretty, it is down right ugly, and the girl has perfected it an art form.

Annabelle and I have a lot in common, and I am not just referring to the rolls on our thighs and cute dimpled butts. I have perfected the art of ugly. I may have mentioned, or you may have observed, my issues with authority. This is at all levels, from the benign inability to follow a recipe as written to my out right defiance of God.

It is stupid, really, and at some level I know this. After all, God wrote the rule to how this whole world works and was kind enough to give me a handbook as a heads-up and yet I, like Annabelle, just don't like to be told "no" or "wait". I pray for wisdom and when I don't like the answer, I hit the deck kicking and screaming, causing myself harm because I don't want to obey.

Ugly is easy. It is default human nature to rebel, to want to do our own thing, to pridefully believe that our way is the best. A beautiful heart is a learned disposition, one I am trying to instill into my children and one I feel like I get further and further from. How do you teach a child when you can't seem to get it figured out yourself?

I have been humbled by my stupidity so often you would think I would learn. I mean, even Annabelle has figured out that when you want to throw a monster fit it is best to go to the rug where is is soft and won't hurt when you throw yourself backwards. And yet on I go, fighting ugly like I have for years, never feeling like I conquer the beast.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Whip Lash



Maybe it is because I like to keep people on their toes...or maybe God just has a sick sense of humor....but get ready for a little whip lash in keeping up with us Crockers.


The very day I wrote the post that we were moving to CA, our world got flipped, topsy turvy. Samsung, who Matt had interviewed with several weeks before and was giving him the run around, we had counted as a loss. Oh well, on to sunny CA. That day Matt got a call. Apparently, right after they had interview him, Samsung was put on a hiring freeze. The guy in charge actually flew to Korea to get permission to offer Matt the position. Hence the delay, the poor man was running all over the globe.

Sony gave us an offer for a CA move. It was pathetic, hardly a cost of living increase and not enough for a family of 5 to live in SoCal. Samsung offered ten grand more in base pay plus 20 grand more in bonuses. And a much better job. And then Matt went back and asked for more. And got it.


So East we are headed. Samsungs' offices are right outside Manhatten, so we may move from suburbia to a little more big city life. The move isn't forever. We are not selling our house or buying one there. After Matt has done this position for a few year, he will have so many options.


My heart is sick about leaving friends, family, our home. But it will be an adventure, a chance to grow together as a family, and best of all, Matt won't be traveling any more. We haven't had that since we have had children and I look forward to having my husband home for dinner most nights. Wish us luck!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Interview with my girls

What is the best way to spend your day?
Eliana-I like playing with my friends, going places like the circus and parties and the zoo, and eating yummy food.
Addilyn- play and eat cupcakes

What is your favorite food
Eliana- Peanut butter and jelly, pancakes, cupcakes and cereal
Addilyn- chocolate chip pancakes and cereal

Eliana- Mama? Why are you doing this?
Me- Because I remember what you liked when you were five.
Eliana- Can we go to the mall today?
Me- Ummm...no.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Eliana- A fire fighter, a ballerina and an artist
Me- why?
Eliana- Because I think it would be fun, and I like to be pretty, and art is fun!
Addilyn- I will be a grown up and sleep in mamas bed

How do you make bread?
Eliana- With flour and seeds, special seeds and milk. Put them in batter and then cook them
Addilyn- Salt, sauce, sugar. Stir it and cook it and then we eat it!

How much does a car cost?
Eliana- A bunch of money! Maybe $20?
Addilyn- (holds up 2 fingers)

How about a new toy?
Eliana- If we were at the dollar store it would only be $1! A new toy can cost as much as the store keepers want.
Addilyn- (holds up 1 finger)

If you had $100 what would you do?
Eliana- I would buy something, like a bunch of toys, or an American girl doll.
Addilyn- I would buy lots of toys for Annabelle. Like a special hippo.
Elian- oh, thats nice. Mama, do you have $100?
Me- yes
Eliana- Ohhhh, i want to get paid for something!


How do you get to nana's house?
Eliana- Oh, thats a hard one. You eat snacks and read books and talk in the back. Go left and then right.
Addilyn- We drive our car! Past the walking park and then we go in!

What is the ickiest thing in the world?
Eliana- Bugs!
Me- You like bugs.
Eliana- I know, but they are icky. Mud is icky too...POOP! That is very icky. And the inside a worm, that would be very icky.
Addilyn- Mud! Ewwwww. I not like mud. Otis walks around and makes mud on the floor

What do you think school will be like?
Eliana- I think it will be fun!
Addilyn- Playing and eating like we eat in Elies class

What will you learn there?
Eliana- I learn to read, and write. I will have snacks and play outside a recess.
Addilyn- we learn ballet, and cars driving

What are you good at?
Eliana- I am good at a bunch of stuff. I am good at helping people, I am good at playing pretend princess and being a mommy
Addilyn- standing on tippy toes, playing and reading

What do you still need to work on?
Eliana- Reading and driving and doing dishes and putting them the right way in the dishwasher
Addilyn- Ridding my scooter, it is to wobbly. But it is a princess one!

Who is God?
Eliana- God is a person just like us, he is very kind and helpful and very, very, very loving. We can talk to him. I think he looks big with a white dress and short hair and a beard and a great big smile on his face.
Addilyn- God helps us sleep and feel better. He has two big eyes, a nice smile, and hair same like your hair. He is our friend

Monday, May 9, 2011

Sugar Free and Me



Not so long ago, I went to the Doctor. It had been a while. The last time I had seen a doctor I was having a baby. Since the trip was long over due, I had all my blood work and such done. Everything came back just fine...well, almost everything.


The same genes that make me a celiac are also the ones they see in diabetics. Double whammy crappy genes. My fasting blood sugar came back at 99. You are considered pre-diabetic at 100. Ugh. I have been successfully ignoring this information for months.


Last week I went to the doctors again, twice in one year! This may be a non-pregnant record for me. I hate going to the doctor, it is expensive and inconvenient and they always find a reason to poke you. I was discussing with my doctor my up-coming surgery (don't freak out, it isn't anything big, just a bump in my hand) and she asked about my over all health. She asked how I was handling my blood sugar. Funny thing about doctors, they don't really want to hear about how you find the whole thing entirely inconvenient and have decided not to deal with it.


And so. I have a new "prescription". Eat like a diabetic and do cardio. I hate cardio and like sugar, so this truly cramps my style. Oh yeah, and my husband is always gone and I am trying to get stuff ready to move across the country. But sure, why not add something else to my to do list! As you can see, I am still working on my attitude.


Since I am a nerd, I have thoroughly researched what my new lifestyle should look like. Apparently cardio helps your body use the sugar it has a hard time metabolising, which is why I can't just do yoga and call it good, my heart rate needs to be up. And a diabetic diet isn't as awful as I thought. It just means I can't eat the last 4 bites of someones pbj and a handful of chips for my lunch anymore. I have to pay attention. Basically my plate needs to be half veggies or high fiber fruit, a 3 oz serving of meat and no more than half a cup of carbs per meal. I need to eat 3 snacks a day to keep my blood sugar from going crazy and those snacks can't be all carb and should contain a good fat.


So for the last week I have been watching what I eat. And while I certainly wouldn't miss about 20 pounds, that wouldn't fix this problem. I will do this for a month and see what my sugars come back. Wish me luck, and maybe I will be able to rock the short shorts by the end of the summer.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Movin' on UP!

It seems like we may finally have some answers to this whole "which coast are we going to live on?!" thing. And the winner is....

That's right! I am going to have to change the name of this blog to "Crocker's of California!"
Not quite sure how I feel about this yet. I HATE leaving Colorado, my family, friends and community. I am excited for my husband who is excited for his new position at Sony. Over all I feel totally over whelmed by the whole idea.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Tuesday Tidbits- In my Pantry

I like looking in peoples pantry's and refridgerators. I find it fasinating what people keep on hand. Generally it is considered rude to search through cupboards when you are a guest in someones home, so let me save you the social faux-paux and just TELL you what I keep on hand.

On my shopping list every week are the following:
fresh fruit- always at least 8 banana's that won't even last us 3 days
milk- 3 types including almond, lactose free and whole
coffee creamer- cinnimon vanilla is the current fav
eggs- we go through at least 2 dozen a week

Things that I always have on hand include:
canned beans
canned tomatoes
frozen veggies- we don't eat canned
potatoes
pasta sauce and pasta
coconut milk
peanut butter
hummus or stuff to make it
crackers
corn chips
corn tortillas
salsa
cheese
yogurt and cottage cheese
oatmeal
rice
some type of canned fruit

It is always funny to me what people think of as necessities. We don't usually keep a lot of convienience foods on hand because 1. they usually are not gluten free 2. they are usually not that great for you and 3. they are expensive and I am cheap. This might change some day when I have to make quick and easy lunches for my kids. From the above list I can usually whip up something passable for dinner. And when I can't, Chili's has curb side take away.

Monday, May 2, 2011

A letter to my daughters

To my girls,

Today, in the car we were singing to the radio together. Eliana, your off key exuberance belted out "You are beautiful, just the way you are" with full passion and ultimate trust that the song was about you. I love that.

I watch you and Addilyn put on princess dresses, while I try not to cringe, you dance with your invisible prince with whom you fall in love. I hope one day you will find a prince that steals your heart with his kindness and love. I hope that you will always believe that a kiss is so special it means love and that you never give them away cheaply. I hope you wear undies under your real princess dresses unlike your dress up clothes. I hope so much for your heart and your beauty.

Girls, there will be days when you feel everything but beautiful. On the outside you will feel like your body is the wrong shape and size and on the inside you will feel like you have more questions than answers. I would love to tell you that "this is just a phase" but I have yet to grow out of it in my 30 years. But you will make peace with it. I pray you learn that real beauty isn't found in things that sparkle and dresses that twirl but in a beautiful spirit full of kindness and a heart filled with love. As you get older, my desire for you is that you learn that ugly is a state of mind, not a state of appearance, that you will treat all of God's people with respect, no matter the appearance.

Eliana, the outfits you choose are...very colorful. While I sometimes shake my head at your fashion sense, I hope you always will have the courage to wear what makes you feel beautiful. Addilyn, I hope you one day view under clothing as something that you should at least wear when wearing dresses. Annabelle, I hope you always love to dance naked...in the privacy of your own room. Girls, may you always find your belly buttons to be hilarious and never feel the need to pierce them. My you always embrace with love the jiggly thighs and soft belly you have, know God made women to be soft.

I hope, my sweet daughters, that you will always sing at the top of your lungs, even if it means cracking mirrors. And in the wise words of Bruno Mars, may your lyrics of life all ways ring out "you are beautiful, just the way you are"

All of my love, your Mommy