Sunday, March 2, 2014

My Buba

Eliana has a formerly yellow bunny that has been her favorite since she was small. Actually, she has 3. When it became apparent that life would not be happily lived without said bunny, we invested in a few more, just to be sure. When she was big enough to have words but still small enough that most of them were hard to decipher, she named said bunny, buba. And hence forth, all loveys in the Crocker household have been called bubas.

Addilyn fell in love with a yellow blanket. Annabelle has a pink blanket and a hippo named Bo.

Worried about starting school? Take buba in the car. Sad because daddy is away for work? Snuggle buba in bed until you feel better. Slow to wake up? Drag buba around until you feel able to face the world. Buba is the answer to most questions of insecurities.

This evening I slipped away for some time alone. Though my sweet hubby encouraged me to call a friend to share a drink with, my soul craved quiet and solitude. The best place for that? A library, or, in this case since the library was closed, a book store was a second best.

I love book stores. Something about them is deeply satisfying to me. I could wander the isles forever, picking up and reading random bist that catch my eye. Tonight I settled on 3 random selections. First was a book of random facts. Second was a book about re-purposing household goods for other tasks (Did you know all the things you could do with vinegar?! But I digress...) And third was a book about the origins of the bible.

As I ordered my coffee and chose my seat, I rolled my eyes at myself and my selections. Not sure they could have been more eclectic or a better representation of myself. My love of facts, my desire to be useful, my spiritual quest...

The other night I spent 3 hours on the computer researching Pro-Mia/Pro-Ana web sights and information. I don't know anyone who struggles with either of these, nor am I aware of any in my circle who struggle with eating disorders at all. So why the research? Because I have daughters and 1 in 5 girls will struggle at some point in their life, and maybe, just maybe, if I know enough I can protect my kids from this kind of life long struggle and pain.

Information is my buba.

When faced with something new or unknown or even the slightest bit interesting, my first response is to read, devour, and become obsessed with information. On some level, I suppose, this is my area of insecurity. It is if I could just fill myself with enough information, then I will be able to not just make a good choice but the very best choice that is within my power to make.

We all have bubas. For some of us it is the way we appear to the world. If we can just come off as having it all together, then maybe we will feel deeply inside that it is true. For others it is control. They feel the need to be in control of every aspect of their life so that nothing bad can happen.

For me it is information.

If I can just know enough, be prepared, then I can help protect and insure outcomes. If I can be the best parent, then my kids will turn out great, sheltered from the pain of poor parenting. If I can be the best teacher, than those I help will be able to be amazing parents who raise great kids.

But that just isn't how life works. Despite the illusion that my safety blanket of knowledge protects me, I am not in control. I can never know enough to keep me safe, I can never have all the right answers to any problem that life might throw at me, I can never prevent my children from making bad choices.

I will always be, deep into the core of who I am, an information junky. And maybe some day I will learn how to hold my life and the lives of those I love with open hands.

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