Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Book every child is given

I think I could say with some degree of accuracy that most every child in this great US of A owns a copy of a Dr. Suess book. Many, if not most, probably have in their possession a copy of  "Goodnight Moon". Neither of those are the books to which I am referring. This book is much more secretive. Think "large conspiracy" like the Masons or something. This is a book entitled "How to keep you parents humble". Each child is made to memorize a copy before being born, it is the playbook-of-sorts for all of childhood.

The first chapter in this uber-secret book is called "Birth-Keep them on their toes". It covers things like swift kicks to mama's bladder to make her pee and think her water broke, choosing not to be born anywhere close to your due date and the super speedy entrance into the world that happens in things like trains and taxi cabs.

Least this first act be usurped in any way, the next chapter is entitled "Infanthood-The best time for a big Scare!". Children learn in this chapter how to make all kinds of disturbing baby noises that convince first time parents that they must call the peditrition immediately, despite the fact it is 2 a.m and Saturday. It also covers pooping with such volume, both audible and measurable, that the poor, harried physician is yet again rung. Also projectile vomiting while parents are nicely dressed, embarrassing noises while in the grocery store, and screaming while anyone but mommy holds you are all detailed. Rolling off the couch/changing table/bed before anyone even knew you could roll is under the heading "for extra credit humility..."

The book is long and complex, containing all the ways these little people in our lives remind us that we just don't have it as together as we would like to think. With chapter titles like "Pooping on the floor of TJ Maxx" and "Asking the waiter if he has a penis" you know these kids didn't come up with this stuff by themselves. I mean, how do they know that the exact wrong time to sneeze and blow massive amounts of snot out of your nose is while your great Grandma is holding you? And really, the frat-boy-would-be-proud farts during prayer time at church? Just classic.

I am not sure why God feels the need to give our children this special set of instructions. Maybe it is because kids so often come along when we as grown ups feel like we have gotten our acts together. Children are God's little reminder to not take ourselves to seriously.

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