Sunday, May 22, 2011

Alone

My husband is an extrovert. This is like saying "rain is wet" or "the Pope is Catholic". Kind of a duh statement. Most assume I am an extrovert like him. I do like people, I am not shy and make conversation easily. But I can't keep up with Matt. On the personality tests, I fall almost dead smack in the middle of most categories, including introversion/extroversion.

I just want to be left alone tonight. I have hung out with people all weekend, people I love, and I am in a lousy mood. As the mother of 3 small children and a wife to a man who loves to be with people, alone time is hard to come by.

Tonight I have big plans. I intend to get all 3 kids in bed and go and sit in the hammock in the back yard. I would go for a drive but with the price of gas that seems a little silly. I would go to Barnes and Noble but someone might talk to me. So I will sit, rock slowly, maybe enjoy an adult beverage, smoke a cigar, listen to the sounds of the neighborhood and ignore the world.

Matt gets it. He used to see my quiet moods as a judgement on his company or he would assume I was mad. Now he knows. I just need to be away. To think...or not think. To be alone with my self, even though I know I am not great company at the moment. When everything seems uncomfortable, my answers are short, my temper inflated I know I have to walk away.

I have a list of things that need to be done that is 3 miles long, but my give a damn is completely busted. Maybe after some time alone, a good nights sleep, I will find my mojo again. But not right now. My heart is heavy, my head is full and I am not even at a place where I could talk it out if I wanted to.

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