Saturday, May 14, 2011

Heavy

Often, when I consider what to write about on my blog, I go for the light and fluffy. It is easy and an accurate representation of a lot of my life. I love my life, in general, feel light and fluffy, easy going and can see the humor. This is not one of those posts.

Everyone process information differently. Matt processes conversationally. When presented with new information or a new idea, he wants to talk it out to get it all making sense. I process internally. I think, over think on the verge of obsess, until I feel like I can accurately communicate what I have come to discover. Writing helps this process for me. I get to see my thoughts in black and white with the chance to erase, cut, paste and reorganize until I make sense of the world. This sometimes leaves me in a lurch, because honestly, not every thing I am working on should be written for the world, or anyone, to see.

I am toeing the line tonight. Not everything I am processing is up for consumption, but I need it to make sense in my head. My heart feels heavy, I have a lump in my throat, my eyes sting with unshed tears and all of this sounds so dramatic, but it isn't, not really.

I had my feelings hurt. This doesn't happen often, close to never, I have gotten very good at letting things roll of my back. This might be because I keep a healthy distance from the majority of people in my life, sharing enough that I can have real friendships but not enough to put myself at risk. But then I did. I should have known better, used better judgement. I am so irritated that I opened myself up in the first place. I was told my burdens were to heavy, to ugly, to uncomfortable to bear and that I should just move on. Ouch. I feel like such a fool, I feel so stupid, judged and found unworthy. I hate that it even matters to me, but I thought I was speaking to a friend.

Everything is messy right now, more so than usual, and it makes me feel like such a failure. It seems my girls just can't get well, I am emotional spent from all this "where we will live" nonsense, and I just can't seem to get my feet under me. I keep trying to make lists but they just leave me feeling worse, not better, and when a list doesn't work, you know it is bad.

I am trying to organize this move, Matt is going to be gone a lot and I know it is something that is going to be largely on my shoulders. I don't mind the details stuff, but the way everything is set up, I can't just make plans, I have to go through a 3ed party. It is driving me nuts.

My family is going camping tomorrow. My heart so longs to go with them but Matt just got home late last night and has to go to Jersey some time this week. But Eliana LOVES to camp, it would be so great to hang out with my sisters and nieces and nephews and the girls love to spend time with cousins and this is going to be the last time for a while that they get to do that. I am just not sure we can swing it, a four hour drive, no one to care for the cats and dogs while we are away. So much that needs to be done here at home. But my heart just aches thinking of missing this last opportunity to spend time with my best friends.

And all of this doesn't really matter. It is piddly, not life threatening. But it is soul sucking, joy destroying, burdens. I am I left here, with my lap top, trying to make sense and make the best choices for my family. I hate self pity, it is such a waste of time, but tonight is the kind of night I just want to curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep feeling unlovable, unproductive, incapable of being what I need to be. Tonight, I just want to give up.


You gotta keep your head up,

so you can let your hair down.

Only rainbows

after rain

the sun will surly

shine again

its a circle

circling

around again

around again

5 comments:

Rosfeld Family said...

Gretchen,
I have been praying for you guys this last week. We have moved 10 times since we've been married (10 years this June). I always look forward to the adventure of a new place, but good grief...it's exhausting!

I'm sorry you were hurt. You are such a beautiful person. It's hard when someone you trust can't handle you...all of you...issues too.

Praying you have a restful night...I've found on my self pity nights a coffee and Steel Magnolias or French Kiss seem to soothe.

Oh and go camping...it sounds daunting and logistically tough, but if you can swing it you'll be happy you went. (Kind of like church sometimes). :)

Denise said...

I'm better at talking so we'll talk when you get here. I will say that every time that we've moved I have come to the point of sitting on a box and crying hysterically and screaming in my heart, "LORD, I don't want to do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Honeycutt Family said...

Thinking of you...

Briana said...

I know I am only just beginning to get to know you but I think you are a beautiful person.

I hope you went camping. If you need someone to watch the animals, let me know. I'd love to help in anyway I can!

Here is a great meditation...
Be still and know that I am God!
Be still and know that I am...
Be still and know...
Be still...
Be...

-Bri

NLWilliams said...

Gretchen -- I am so sorry for what you're feeling.
Sounds really crappy.